Now that New Year’s Day has come and passed, I’m finally going to thank those of you who came to the Oh, Bernice! Holiday Special last month. We love Dollar Store Secret Santa and we hope you’re enjoying the best worst present you’ve ever gotten.
There is one thing I was asked to bring up, about December, however–those hilarious Bernician stories of their #worstxmasever? Not actually written by the Bernicians. (Except for Brian Matthew Kim, and mine, of course.) So, Jenna Telesca would like you to know that she did not write that post for #worstxmasever, that she has never killed a man with a fruitcake–she’s wanted to–and that she did not change her name to cover up a secret identity. She also wants you to know that she has never been a man named Fred Jenks, that she has never owned a 1982 Plymouth Reliant with peeling green paint, and that she has never cruised by your house in said Reliant while wearing a matching green velour tracksuit. Those were her Cheetos (yes) but she has never rubbed her fingers into her car’s upholstery for hours, as if she were massaging silver, until she realized she’s been driving the wrong way down the Jersey Turnpike for hours and she had no idea where she was. Where did she go? Right, said Fred, turning, except Jenna was never there to begin with. Don’t ask her about this again.
– John Rice