Brian Matthew Kim’s #worstxmasever

This Saturday’s Oh, Bernice! Holiday Special will be here before you know it. Don’t forget to bring a wrapped Dollar Store gift so you can participate in Dollar Store Secret Santa.


Brian’s Worst Christmas Ever: A 3-minute Play

Setting: Brian’s living room.
Time: December 25th, 2019. 4:30pm.

BRIAN enjoys a quiet moment alone while the rest of his family takes a mid-afternoon nap. He is reading a book on the couch when suddenly there is a strange whirring sound at the door. Brian, confused, looks up from his book. The whirring stops for a moment, but the silence is quickly broken by a chisel-like tapping. Brian gets up from the couch to investigate. After a couple steps, the front door comes crashing down into the living room. Behind the door, on his knees, with a small chisel in hand and a drill by his feet, is PRESIDENT TED CRUZ.

BRIAN: What the hell?!

CRUZ: Greetings, citizen.

BRIAN: What are you doing in my— why’d you knock down my door?

CRUZ: It’s the price of freedom.

BRIAN: That doesn’t even make sense.

CRUZ: The war on Christmas is now in its 15th year. I’ve decided its time for me to investigate each house, one by one, to ensure you aren’t housing any anti-Christmas refugees.

BRIAN: You mean Jewish people?

CRUZ: Or, you know, those others ones.


CRUZ: (whispering) The Muslims.


CRUZ: So don’t mind me. I’m just making a quick visit to see what all is going on here.

BRIAN: Are you going to fix my door?

CRUZ: Hmmm?

BRIAN: My door. The one you knocked down.

CRUZ: A door is only good for hiding behind.

BRIAN: And also, like, keeping cold air out.

CRUZ: And also harboring refugees.

BRIAN: Stop with the— Look, sir—

CRUZ: President.

BRIAN: (sighing) President Cruz, I appreciate your, uh, allegiance to the… whatever you call yourselves—

CRUZ: Christmas Fighters.

BRIAN: Right, sure, that. But if you don’t mind, I really need to figure out how I’m going to rehang my door. This is truly the worst Christmas ever.

BRIAN and PRESIDENT TED CRUZ turn to the sitcom camera. Brian shrugs his shoulders (“what are you gonna do?”) while Cruz laughs heartily. Cut to commercial.

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