This Saturday’s Oh, Bernice! Holiday Special is only a few days away. Have you found the perfect Dollar Store gift? If not, maybe you can invest in a Scottish-to-English translator. It’ll help you decipher John Reid Currie’s #worstxmasever.

Xmas?!  Fur chrisakes, ye kids hud it easy!  When I was a loon, we hud tae donner fur fife miles in th’ snaw, wearin’ uir auld raggedy kilts, fur uir faither’s firewood—ain, when we got haem, we still hud tae inflate it ain haggis, which we had to barnie th’ coney fur.  Puir wee Jimmy was tint ‘at forenicht.  Ah mean, “look at the bones!”